As the release date for Manifest Destiny approaches, Clawjob wants to ease the minds of press representatives and music bloggers everywhere. It is surely very intimidating to attempt commentary upon such a towering monolith of artistic brilliance as Manifest Destiny. Clawjob can only imagine how you must feel, knowing that your worth as a writer and your astuteness as a cultural observer will be assessed by future generations based on how effectively you captured the grandeur of this, Clawjob's new EP. It must be what it felt like to write the Gospels.
Fortunately, Clawjob is here to provide assistance as you struggle to adequately revere Manifest Destiny. Just fill in the blanks as required, cut and paste onto your blog/newspaper, and sit back, confident that your historical position as a Clawjob supporter is firmly documented.
Fill-in-the-blanks Manifest Destiny review | Note to bloggers/reviewers: replace all red text.
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Clawjob's Manifest Destiny is, unquestionably, the finest record to have crossed the desk of [YOUR BLOG NAME HERE] this year, and perhaps the finest record we've EVER heard. In fact, it's hard to believe that one single compact disc is capable of containing so much [SYNONYM FOR BEAUTY] and [SYNONYM FOR TRAGEDY]. The EP is an expansive yet focused look at the United States in the 1800s. Each song is its own bundle of excellence, and the sum of the songs is a concept piece so real, so biting, that its totality can only be compared to [SYNONYM FOR THE VAST ENTIRETY OF ALL CREATION].
Choosing a favorite song from Manifest Destiny is [SYNONYM FOR IMPOSSIBLE]. This record is absolutely bulletproof. And the performances are glorious as well: the guitars snarl like [OBSCURE BAND FROM THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST] on [ILLEGAL PSYCHOTROPIC SUBSTANCE] and the bass thumps like a crazed [PREHISTORIC CREATURE]. The vocals... well let's just say that each [SYNONYM FOR HANDSOME] member of Clawjob sends a shiver up the spine that feels like your [SLANG TERM FOR TESTICLES] are being delicately tickled by an angel. The drums are played with the precision of [LARGE NUMBER] tightrope walkers balancing on a single [EXTREMELY THIN THING, POSSIBLY "TIGHTROPE"] and the lyrics are more emotive than the words of [FAMOUS ROMANTICIST POET]. Yet throughout, the social critique remains more incisive than even the best moments in [YOUR FAVORITE BERTOLT BRECHT PLAY].
Consider the lyrics to [SONG TITLE], in which [BAND MEMBER] sings "[AWKWARDLY EXTRACTED, OUT-OF-CONTEXT LYRICAL SNIPPET]." Never before have so few words conveyed so much blindingly brilliant truth. The rest of the EP's lyrics, all on the subject of America in the 19th century (who knew this topic would contain the answers to all of my life's questions?) are up to the same standard: perfection. Expect, but do not fear, the sudden geyser of joy-vomit that will erupt from your gaping foodhole when the wisdom contained within these words strikes your ears.
Let it be noted that my good friend [REVIEWER'S MOST FAMOUS TENUOUS SOCIAL ACQUAINTANCE] collapsed into tears of rapture immediately upon hearing this record, so don't say I didn't warn you: Manifest Destiny is a visceral artistic voyage, and a powerful statement. But that's exactly what this world needs right now. This record would be a bargain even if it cost $120,000, as it will undoubtedly broaden your intellectual and spiritual horizons in ways that would outstrip even the best college education... but at 7 dollars, every human being on this planet should own several copies.
You must purchase Clawjob's Manifest Destiny from the Clawjob store or from Amazon.com right now!
RATING: [WHATEVER YOUR PUBLICATION USES FOR ABJECT PERFECTION]
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POSTED BY CLAWJOB, 02:40
PM EST 00000100 |
